Monday, March 21, 2005

Evil Sites for Writers


This got me thinking about the myriad ways writers can distract themselves and make themselves insane. I was told by the good folks at Readerville that it will only get worse in the months leading up to publication, SIGH~

I thought I would do my public service for the day and highlight the most evil sites which I NEVER NEVER NEVER visit, except when I'm visiting them. And I have not linked them, because I want to protect you from their evil evilness of evil.


Google This site is not in itself evil, but it is when you keep typing your own name into the search box, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Oh~I am NOT THE MARTHA O'CONNOR who wrote "My Foster Dog Is Beautiful." I like dogs, but she ain't me. And I wish she'd get the HELL OUTTA MY WAY so I can dominate the Google listings of "Martha O'Connor"+"bitch." A little self-absorbed, are we? {Raises hand} Guilty as charged, your honor.

Amazon This site can prove very crazy-making for authors because there is a little box that probably NO ONE BUT THE AUTHOR notices that tells you how many products (not just books) are outselling your novel at the site. Once my number was in the 10,000's! HOT DAMN! 10,000 may sound like kind of a pathetic sales rank~9,999 or more products are selling better than my book?~but some friends told me it's actually pretty good for a book that isn't even published yet. But ONE TIME my sales rank was 987,982. When I saw that I decided to go back to bed for the afternoon and stare at the ceiling and feel sorry for myself. But those same friends rushed to assure me that such a listing is perfectly normal for a book that isn't even published for two months. (I have nice friends, don't I?) Even so, you can plainly see that Amazon created an Afternoon of Evil Ceiling-Staring for me.

To further illustrate my contention that Amazon is a Bastion of Evil, I know people who have even gone and BOUGHT COPIES of THEIR OWN FREAKIN' book to boost their Amazon number! Not that that would be ME or anything~(Okay, OKAY, but I only did it ONCE and it was only one copy~I was having an EXTREMELY bad 987,982-ish sort of a day.) Someone at Readerville told me there was an Explorer plug-in you could download SO THAT YOU WOULD HAVE A LITTLE WINDOW OPEN ALL THE TIME, AND IT WOULD CONTINUALLY UPDATE YOUR AMAZON NUMBER FOR YOU. Can you imagine? PURE, UNADULTERATED EVIL!

BlogPulse This site is a newly discovered evil distraction! You can type in your name and find out who's blogging about you lately! In my case~that would be~well, that would be ME.

StatCounter Ohmigosh this one's addictive. How many visitors have I had today? Where did they come from? How many times have they been back? How long did they stay at my site? What Google searches did they use? I've gotten several for "pink rainboot" and even one for "sea cucumber poop" but the "shaved cloistered mommies" one still has me stumped. And kind of freaked out. Hey you there, reading this entry. Was that YOU?

Email Program Big news, folks! Guess what I finally figured out? Pushing the CHECK EMAIL button actually does NOT make email come! I'm completely serious! And do you know what else? You can actually LEAVE THE HOUSE~AND THE EMAIL PROGRAM WILL RECEIVE THE MESSAGES FOR YOU, AND THEY WILL ALL BE THERE WHEN YOU RETURN! Amazing, I know!

Okay, I have done my Good Citizen Duty for the morning. Now there's nothing to do but throw in another load of laundry, jump into the car, and FLEE THIS PLACE OF DISTRACTIONS. Just as soon as I check my email.