Saturday, February 19, 2005

Squeaky Clean Amongst the Lucky Dirt

I am CLEANING MY OFFICE today! Yes sirree, I'm POSITIVELY GIDDY off the lemon fumes from the Costco surface wipes, and my fingers have absolutely SHRUNK with delight!


We aren't going to the Chinese New Year's Parade tonight after all, and I'm going to CRY. The weather's supposed to be bad all night in San Francisco, and we don't care to sit in the pouring rain, shivering and freezing, and get stuck in traffic trying to get home.

But I've looked up my Chinese fortune anyhow. And it explained A LOT!

Do you know about luck bars? Your luck goes in ten year cycles. I was so unlucky as a kid, my luck bar was down almost to ZERO! That's right, ZERO. No wonder I'm so messed up, neurotic and warped!

Stuff has improved for me now, but I'm nowhere near my best decade, between 48-57.

BUT FORTUNATELY I've learned what to do until I hit age 48 thanks to these handy tips!

#Earth (Soil) is your lucky element.
Oh. NO!!! I just got rid of it all! Need to let the office get filthy again.

#Cow, Dragon, Sheep and Dog are your lucky animals.
One of them is mythological and two of them don't live in the suburbs. I knew there was a reason I called Lab Rescue today.

# Years of Cow, Dragon, Sheep and Dog are your lucky years.
You may have heard--this is the year of the ROOSTER. {Insert helpless half- smile here} The Year of the Cow is 2009, The Year of the Dragon is the year 2012, and The Year of the Sheep's 2015. But the Dog's 2006--there could yet be hope!

# Months of Cow, Dragon, Sheep and Dog are your lucky Months.
Couldn't find any information about this anywhere! Guess I'm in the dark all year then.

# The central area is your lucky place.
I guess that is why my office is at the FRONT END of my house.

# You should choose a bedroom in the center of the house.
FUCKITALL. There is no way to do that unless I want to sleep in the bathroom.

# You should wear yellow and brown often.
Love hearing that! Off to Nordstrom!

# You should use a yellow or brown system for decorating your house.
Off to Pier One!

# Wearing jade will bring you luck.
Off to Shane & Company!

# Take care of your Digestive system, Spleen and Muscle.
Off to a fancy dinner! This horoscope stuff's not so bad!

Here's what my year looks like:

"Female Wood is your Money star. This is a period mainly about your money. You will work hard for money and money will come into your pocket -- either by earning cash or borrowing it. The events in this year are related to money, trade, business, property, real estate, housing, capital, furniture, jewelry, investment, economy, finance and diligence. Chicken is your Companion star. A money event will come with your friends in this period. If you and your friends can help each other well, then you have a chance to earn some extra money. If the friendship is not strong enough, then you have the chance to lose your time and investment. The events in this year are related to independence, expansion, lost, plot, complex, challenge, simplicity, competition, egotism, friendship, separation and decision."

THAT IS GUARANTEED TO MAKE ME PARANOID. I'd love to come into some money, but we can't BORROW any more of it! And WHO IS MY MYSTERIOUS RIVAL? What's this CHALLENGE that's complex and simple at the same time? And what decision? What separation?


"Basically, this period will repeat the same luck as the previous cycle. This entire period is connected to your money. You might have money pressures at the beginning of this year and might have to borrow money for your living. Later, your friends or siblings might help you find a job or financial aid. So, you will have money to pay for your loan and relieve your money pressures. Or you might have friends or relatives from long distance asking for capital or investment, which might bring you some trouble. But you can earn money back from them later. Although the pressure from money will decrease in the second half of the period, you still need to invest money on something before trying to earn money back."

Noooo... BORROWING MONEY AGAIN? Friends and siblings sending me money? Ughhh.

You too can find the Secrets of Your Life. Should you want to, that is. WORD OF WARNING--IT GOT ME REALLY WOUND UP TO KNOW ALL THESE SECRETS!

Or for your daily chart click here.