Thursday, February 03, 2005

An Echo of Pulchritude in a Bright Red Dress

Publish America is a vanity/subsidy/whateveryacallit publisher that basically will accept any piece of crap you send to them so they can make money off people who write very badly. They have been very controversial because they CLAIM to be a "traditional publisher" and say that they do, indeed, reject sub-par material.

Some science fiction authors from the SFWA (Science Fiction Writers Association) got together to write the most abysmally bad novel and sent it to Publish America under the pseudonym of Travis Tea. Some chapters were written twice by different authors and both chapters were submitted. Characters were killed off only to be resurrected in subsequent chapters. One incoherent chapter was written by a text generator that had been fed the previous chapters. The only rule was "make it as bad as possible." Here's an excerpt:

“'I don’t know how I’ll be able to drive it with my arm in a cast,' Bruce Lucent shoots back. 'It’s lucky I wasn’t killed outright like so many people are when they have horrid automobile wrecks.'

"'Fortunately, fast and efficient Emergency Medical Services, based on a program founded by Lyndon Baines Johnson the 36th President of the United States helped y’all survive an otherwise, deadly crash,' Isadore chuckled. He nodded his head toward the towering apartment building, in the very shadow of Peachtree Avenue, where Bruce lived his luxurious life. So young, yet so wealthy, based on his skills as an expert software developer.....

"Isadore knocked once at the door, and then it at once swung open. The stunning vision inside, an echo of pulchritude in a bright red dress, seemed to take their breath away, it was Penelope Urbain, Bruce Lucent’s longtime and very beautiful girlfriends. Penelope, who had walked in the door of Lucent Software, asking for a job, and a good thing is being that she did, because he had one for her, a position, so to speak, that only a beautiful woman could fulfill, and she filled the role perfectly, as the beautiful girlfriend for those social occasions when he needed to appear on the front page of the newspaper with a beautiful woman on his arm. Everyone looked and thought he was lucky, but it wasn’t just luck it was planning that he fell in love with this beautiful woman and her with him. He gave her his glance and she gave him hers.

"Bruce looked at her and whistled, thanking whatever god was listening that the auto accident that he had apparently been in had spared his family jewels for he wasn’t one to put to pasture his rampant desire for his stunning young woman, at least not yet. He snapped his fingers and snarled, 'Take me inside, Isadore, or you’re fired from my software company.'

"Something like anger stirred in Isadore’s breast, yet Isadore laughed at Bruce’s favorite joke as he pushed the millionaire software developer indoctrinated by New Agers into the stunning studio apartment that he rented in this exclusive high-rise tower. The walls were white as was the carpet. The walls met the ceiling at right angles, where glistening mirrors in gold frames studded the walls.

"Penelope Urbain had been a poor girl she knew, though she pretended to have grown up rich and happy in the suburbs of Atlanta it was all a lie. Now she looked into one of the many mirrors on that studded the walls of her boyfriend Bruce’s apartment and liked what she saw. Two hazel eyes with perky eyebrows, red like the hair of her head and other places, met her smoky gaze in the mirror. She smoothed the hair back from her elfin ears, making it tumble down her back, past her shoulders, broad but not too broad, broad enough to support the luxurious breasts that filled the front of her scarlet sun dress, glowing in the afternoon sun, the hot Georgia orb of fire, that came through the window, as she admired her trim shape and flat tummy, in the mirror. She looked, she thought, like the bad-girl heroine of a tawdry romance novel."

The blurbs on the novel are amazing (all written by the contributors themselves)...

"ATLANTA NIGHTS is sure to please the reader who enjoys this sort of thing."

Raymond E. Feist

"I stayed upright reading it."

Jane Yolen

Tea's masterpiece, Atlanta Nights, was, of course, accepted. Until SWFA went public with the truth. Then Publish America withdrew their offer to publish.

But today is your lucky day! You can download a preview of Atlanta Nights ABSOLUTELY FREE at And you can even get your VERY SMERRY OWN COPY for your e-book reader here, for FREE. Enjoy.